I realize I'm a dreamer in a very practical world....

As I sit here in the quiet (Yes...it is almost 4 a.m.)...I am realizing all the more every day that I am indeed a dreamer. I am trying to sort this all out recently because yet another semester commences on Monday and I have to question my motives, reasons, fears, realities and plans for why exactly this is the path I have chosen for my life. I have always felt like I have had high hopes and dreams for my life, beyond what any cubicle or 9 to 5 career could give me. This is all fine and good and I have come to accept and embrace this as all part of who I am, but no matter how gifted, artistic or creative we are it seems we (I ) am brought down to this soberin reality of survival, practicality and simply how I am going to survive...pay bills...eat...put gas in my car...etc. I know that many, many people have found the balance of doing what they love and what they are great at while also maintaining a life where they are taken care of, comfortable, and in some cases compensated very well for their success in whatever field they chose to take a risk in. This makes me smile because I hope to one day be one of those "people" too. It is definitely not the easiest route. I am surrounded (and will be on Monday) by thousands of people who are either pursuing or living that practical, secure life. There are so many teachers, doctors, lawyers, or math, science, pre-med, marketing, journalism, foreign language studies..etc..majors all over the place, but I being the dreamer, am not one of them. No....I chose the path of the artist. I am reminding myself that I did it because I love to sing, but it gets more complicated than that. I can love to sing all day, and be very good at it, but when it comes down to it this is a difficult journey and is frankly completely freaking me out. I could take a few tests and be certified to teach in Oklahoma...off to a mediocre pay, but nonetheless a secure endeavor where I wouldn't lay awake in cold sweats wondering if the risk I took was indeed worth it....but I have weighed that out and come to the conclusion that I was more willing to take that risk then sacrifice my freedom. I have tried the "norman" job life and felt like a caged bird. I wanted to scream and run... (and most of the time I did...well...at least the running part...)

I am just not cut out for the creativity stifling lifestyle that many people seem to be "ok" with. I feel like I will lose myself, but this journey of mystery and wonder is sure scary too.

I have been singing since I can remember. I sang in church mostly, but then moved on to professional training at the age of 20. I realized I had a gift for singing classically so I moved away and got a degree in it. I was confronted with many obstacles, but through listening to the voice inside of myself and the urging of many teachers/friends/family members to pursue a life/career in opera I decided to shoot for the moon. When most of my peers were moving on to teacher jobs or church minister jobs I was packing up for Grad. School. I knew that the easy days weren't over...they had in fact just begun, but boy oh boy! Was I in for an awakening!

I read some notes I had scribbled down in a notebook my very first week of class in the fall of 07...

I wrote

"I am a very small soprano fish in a big, scary Wagnerian Ocean."

There was an illustration of lil' ol me fish vs. big sharks coming at me surrounded by bubbles and music notes of course.

If you've ever heard Wagner opera then you'll know what I'm talking about. This can be very intimidating stuff!

So....

I've come this far and am making discoveries about life/art/music/dreams every single day. There are many things I love to do besides singing classically. I love to sit in my apartment and write songs at my piano...folk/indie/rock/old gospe influence...

I have recently discovered my passion for collage making, and also other artistic endeavors that bring me much joy and satisfaction out of expressing my emotions in other ways besides belting high notes...

I love photography, interior design, make-up artistry, architecture, but the #1 thing I always come back to at the top of my list of things I love to do is help people. Even if it is through small things I love the feeling in my heart that I have when I help people.

I get this feeling singing in nursing homes or volunteering for homeless people. I get this feeling when I give my stuff away to someone who needs it worse than I do or just by smiling at someone that passes by. They look back at me like they needed it sometimes, and that is worth it all...to just help one person a day makes me feel like I am doing something good, giving back to this world even though I am a person who doesn't exactly have everything figured out and am not "there" myself...wherever "there"...is.

So-

In all of this sorting out process of how to hold the balance of taking care of things and still being that drifter/dreamer/artista I have decided that it may take me a while to get to this place, but while I am on my way there I am going to make a difference in this world. It might not be on a stage dressed up as Madame Butterfly...It might not be releasing the new cutting edge indie album and having thousands of downloads a day on i-tunes...maybe not being a premiered artist in New York...or famous interior designer....

but I want to make a difference somehow..even if it is small. Even if no one ever reads my name on a marquis, if I affect one person for the better every once in a while...I will(and do) feel complete.

So,

I am on a quest.

Do something nice for someone every day. Even if it is for myself...because some days I need it pretty bad....

and I figure instead of waiting for someone else out there to "fix"it for me, I am good as any. : )

So..

I started thinking about this yesterday,

and as I was standing in line at Hobby Lobby I was in a bit of a hurry, getting pretty impatient because they aren't exactly the quickest checkers in the world...I had a few things in my cart and it felt like I had been in line forever!...

I got to the counter finally and then realized that the people behind me had a small child (around 3) who was being really good...considering the line...and the woman was very pregnant...and they only had 1 picture frame.

So...I know it isn't like handing over my winning lottery ticket or anything...but I let them go ahead of me...

and they smiled and I smiled and the checker smiled

Everyone was happy!

...and I realized that it wasn't that bad waiting a bit longer because in all reality they needed to get going probably a big worse than I did...and I gotta hand it to that kid because he was being really, really good.

So-there that one was...

and today I bought myself flowers. Yeah, they were very inexpensive Wal-Mart flowers, but I needed them. I needed to feel special, and there is nothing like fresh flowers in your house to brighten up the mood...because with all of this contemplation of "Where is my life going" I needed to chill out and be lifted.

So that is what I did, and I am going to do this every day(not buy myself flowers...I wish....but do something for someone/somewhere...

I feel like nothing but good can come out of it and despite the craziness and the unpredictable nature of my life I can feel good about something small that I do have control over. And that is priceless.

We're all here once, we might as well make it a better world.